Moments
by Ice-Song
Summary: Three moments that changed Gokudera forever. Three moments that shook him to his core. Three moments that can never be taken back. One sided 5927, mostly in the third part. Also TYL!Gokudera in the first part. Rated for cursing.
1. Hope

Moment #1: Hope

"_Why is the future me…in a coffin?" _

Hayato Gokudera sat there staring at the face of the Tsunayoshi Sawada from ten years ago. A tiny pained smile forced on his lips and his eyebrows knitted together in worry. It nearly broke his heart to see Tsuna look at him with that expression. Just as it did break his heart to look at the unmoving face of his boss a mere two days ago.

Gokudera sat there, emotions coursing through him in that fraction of a second. Why was the future of the Vongola in a coffin? That was a very good question and it was one he wasn't sure he knew the answer to.

The obvious reply would be 'because you were assassinated while I stood there and watched and you died in my arms before I could even say 'I'm sorry' but somehow you still managed to tell me 'It's all right' before you drew in your final breath.' Still, that seemed like a poor reply to the 14 year old child sitting in front of him.

He could also say 'because the bastards of the Millefiore family shot you and no one had a chance to do anything, lease of all me even though I have had every kind of training possible to prevent the situation I was forced to witness.'

Or even something like, 'you were killed but even though I couldn't do anything you have no idea how many million times I have relived that moment in my mind hoping that somehow, someway I could have traded my life for yours.'

Gokudera opened and closed his mouth but none of his explanations seemed like it would work. There was no possible way to put into words all the pain, regret, anger and countless other nameless emotions that went with the explanation of why the fourteen year old Sawada Tsunayoshi found himself in a coffin ten years in the future. So instead he sat there and gaped at Tsuna for once at a complete loss of words. He had no idea how answer the question when he was pretty sure he was still in some sort of denial.

He clenched his fists and looked at the ground letting his bangs cover his face as he felt hot tears sting the corners of his eyes. There was no way he would let the 10th see him in such a conflicted state, past or present. Half a second later he looked up and caught Tsuna's gaze with his own pain filled one, still desperately trying to find the words he needed to properly explain the situation.

He saw Tsuna lean forward in his effort to nudge Gokudera on. Gokudera narrowed his eyes and continued to tighten his fists as he looked into the large, ridiculously naïve and possibly, somehow hopeful eyes of Tsuna. Even though the 10th was faced with almost undeniable proof that his 10 year older self was dead, somehow, against all odds he hoped that maybe, _maybe_, his reality wasn't quite what it seemed. It was that ludicrous hope that had put Tsuna into the hands of the Millefiore in the first place. The hope that perhaps they weren't as ruthless as they seemed and really did want to have peace talks. The hope that everything would turn out fine and that no one had to resort to violence to end the conflict. The 10th undying hope…no trust that everything in the world was fine and that there wasn't anyone out to get him and that everything, no matter what, would somehow turn out fine.

Gokudera's clenched fists began to shake as he looked at his young boss, alive, and breathing and still full of that almost moronic hope that had taken his life from him. Yet somehow, Gokudera knew that despite the fact that he hated the fact that Tsuna was more then willing to hope and trust anyone and anything it was a trait that he would never wish Tsuna to loose. Because if he lost his ability to hope against overwhelming odds then that meant that Tsuna was no longer the Tsuna that he had vowed to follow until his dying day. When Tsuna no longer had that shine of hope in his eyes that would mean that Gokudera had failed as miserably at his job as if he let someone come into Tsuna's office and shoot him without any resistance.

Gokudera realized that only a second or two had passed since Tsuna asked him that horrible question and he was still unsure of his answer but for the 10th's sake he was going to try his hardest to give him a satisfactory answer. He swallowed to moisten his suddenly dry throat and opened his mouth, realizing that his tongue felt as heavy as lead. "That is…" he started quietly, "because…"

Before he could get any further he found himself in a spiraling tunnel, headed to the past. He gazed at the swirling colors around him and sighed. Maybe his younger self would do a better job at protecting Tsuna then he had. He could only hope.

* * *

Okay, here's the first part of a 3 part introspective on Gokudera, featuring him and his thought process during 3 very emotionally charged moments of the future arc. Good lord I love these moments, I cannot tell you how many times I've watched and rewatched just these two episodes for these three moments that last like...maybe 10 seconds all together. Anyways, I'm going to publish all three of these chapters at once, so enjoy. I want them separate but they should all be read together.


	2. Rage

Moment #2: Rage

"_So you guys must have seen it, the coffin with the Vongola crest?" Reborn asked._

Tsuna looked at him and said softly, "so that means I'm…"

Gokudera clenched his fist as he heard this exchange. There was no way, no way in hell that somehow, someone had gotten to his boss and actually killed him. Not when he was there, not when Yamamoto was there.

Gokudera looked down and felt an uncontrollable rage boil in his veins as he realized the situation in its entirety for the first time. But how? They. Had. Been. There. Yamamoto was there, how could he? How…

"_**You bastard!"**_

Gokudera reeled backwards and swung his clenched fist into Yamamoto's chin, landing as hard a punch as he possibly could on the older man. No one else in the room even had time to react to Gokudera's anger.

Gokudera knew he was lashing out in blind emotion as he desperately tried to understand how anyone could manage to get through him and Yamamoto in order to assassinate the 10th Vongola boss. He knew it was also his fault. He knew he was as much to blame as anyone.

Sometimes it hurt to be so smart.

Still Yamamoto had been there too. He could have done something, bought some sort of time. Hell, he could have sacrificed his own life. Gokudera already knew that his older self had probably tried to do just that.

"_**Why is the 10**__**th**__** like that?"**_

Gokudera heard himself yell and he felt his throat go raw as he raged at the man in front of him. He threw all his anger, remorse and sadness at the easiest target and deep in the back of his mind he knew he was yelling at the only other person in the room who actually understood his feelings and was feeling just as guilty, if not more then Gokudera himself. Yamamoto had actually been there after all. Still, he fumed and shook with anger as he saw a tiny driblet of blood fall from the corner of Yamamoto's mouth and he felt his anger swell even more as he saw the pained expression on Yamamoto's face.

"_I'm sorry."_

Sorry? He was sorry? Somehow that statement pissed him off even more. Even though he knew that Tsuna was dead. Even though he could have prevented it. Even though it was his fault that the 10th Vongola boss and one of the most amazing people to ever live was killed he had the audacity to say he was sorry.

Sorry.

What a bullshit word that was. Sorry doesn't bring him back. Sorry doesn't mean it's okay. Sorry doesn't do anything about the current situation except offer empty sympathy and make Yamamoto himself feel better. Everyone in the world could feel sorry but that doesn't mean that it would make the current situation any better.

Gokudera growled and clenched his fist again and took a step forward. _"Asshole, sorry just won't cut it!" _he yelled. He took in another breath and prepared to vent all his anger on the one person in the room he knew would take it and the one person in the room who least deserved it. However, he never got the chance.

"_Stop it, Gokudera,"_ he heard Reborn say quietly. _"You were also here too, in the future."_

"_Shit…"_ he heard himself say quietly as he was forced to fully come to terms with the whole truth. Reborn was right, he was there. He had already mentally berated his ten year older self for letting it happen but still. It hurt to be told the truth. It hurt to know what happened and yet somehow know he could do nothing about it. He glanced up quickly at Tsuna who was watching the whole scene with a quiet, sort of stunned disbelief. Tsuna was just as shocked as Gokudera was. Gokudera could also tell that Tsuna also had no idea how to let out the anxiety and apprehension he was currently feeling.

Gokudera felt his anger ebb away, leaving him feeling empty and ashamed. 'Shit,' he thought again as Yamamoto and Reborn went on with their explanations. Couldn't they tell that Tsuna was overwhelmed? Didn't they know he needed a break or some sort of encouragement. Didn't anyone realize that Tsuna was probably two steps away from a nervous breakdown?

Then again, the fact that he did realize these things was why he was the 10th's right hand man.

* * *

Gokurdera's kinda a bastard, innit he? Heh, anyways, I love this scene too, because you can tell that Gokudera's mostly pissed at himself but he needs someone else to blame it on. I love how incredibly realistic the reactions are for the kinds of characters they are, and how you can tell that Tsuna and Gokudera are only 14 and in way over their heads.


	3. Determination

Moment #3: Determination

Gokudera lay on the bottom bed of the bunk bed that he and Tsuna were currently sharing. He stared straight up and wished more then anything that he could just go up there and comfort his boss. Tell him that everything would be fine, that it would all work out and that he was sure everyone would somehow be fine. Unfortunately, Gokudera knew full well that he and Tsuna did not have that sort of relationship and that any attempts on his side would only cause Tsuna more discomfort.

After a few minutes in silence he could hear quiet sniffles and muffled sobs and he knew Tsuna was crying. The sounds of his friend desperately trying not to be heard as he quietly went through the nervous breakdown that he had predicted earlier tugged at Gokudera like nothing he had ever felt before. He wanted so badly to do something, anything that would make Tsuna feel better but try as he might to come up with something he kept coming up empty.

Sitting down there, in the dark, listening to his best friend cry was a whole new kind of torture to him. Being utterly helpless to help the one person he wanted to help made his heart ache in a way he never knew. It's not like he wasn't adverse to emotional pain, lord knows his family situation had caused him enough grief but…

He never knew caring about someone so much could cause such immense pain. He never knew that simply the fact that he wasn't able to do anything in the present or his future self was unable to do anything would cause him to feel so many emotions, many of which he didn't even recognize. The emotions of pain, grief, sadness, anger, self-loathing to an extent mixed in with the overwhelming need to protect and comfort the 10th was almost too much for him to bear.

He felt that all he could do was sit there, wide awake and bear witness to the 10th quiet breakdown and know that even if Tsuna was unaware he was there and he would always be there. He lay in his bed and listened to every sob, every ragged breath, every subdued hiccup that drifted down from the top bunk. He kept quiet vigilance over his boss as the child quietly cried well into the night, unaware of the fact that Gokudera was with him every moment.

Each passing moment made the burning in Gokudera's chest grow warmer and warmer until he could hardly withstand it. If only he had the strength to make it so that Tsuna never had to cry like that again. If only he was powerful enough to make it so that Tsuna never had to cry that way in the first place. Truly, if only he had the courage to go up there and comfort the teen the way he needed to be comforted.

Still, Gokudera continued to do as much as he possibly could. Listening and watching, even though every tear, although he didn't see them, cut into his heart and made him feel a sense of sadness and grief he hadn't felt since his mother passed on.

Staring into the darkness, Gokudera glared and made a silent resolution to himself as Tsuna's sobs became more and more subdued. He made a pact with a determination that would have made his mother proud. He promised himself many things that night, as he listened to Tsuna cry himself into an uneasy sleep.

He promised himself that he would never, ever, let the 10th cry like that again if he could possibly help it.

He promised himself he would never again be the cause for such pain to the 10th.

He promised himself that if the 10th should ever experience such grief ever again that he would be there the whole time, by his side as a right hand man should be and offering him the support and comfort he really needed.

He promised himself that he would get stronger, stronger then anyone else so that he could protect the 10th and always keep him safe, no matter what the consequences.

Lastly, he promised himself that one day, after he sorted out his own feelings for himself that he would gather up his courage and tell the 10…no he would tell Tsuna how he really felt.

Gokudera made himself these promises as he drifted into his own uneasy sleep and told himself that he would keep these promises to the end of time. He was more determined then anyone and he would carry out his job better then anyone. That was because he was the 10th Vongola's right hand man and nothing less should be expected out of him. One day Gokudera would make sure that Tsuna would realize that.

* * *

And this scene... is quite possibly my most favorite scene ever in pretty much any anime. Save for one or two other scenes in some different shows the fact that he actually CRIES is totally awesome. You know, the whole 'boys can't cry' rule. But seriously, when it comes down to it, who wouldn't cry? He knows he's dead 10 years in the future, his parent's are probably dead, his friends are being hunted down and he has no way home. The fact that Tsuna is crying just makes me so happy from a writer and from a viewer standpoint.

Then they pan down and show Gokudera sitting there looking like he is about to cry too, just because Tsuna is up there crying and he can't do anything about it, among other things I'm sure but still...you know that canonically he's just worrying about Tsuna at that point. Oh, everything about those 6-10 seconds in this show just make me so happy XD I know it's weird but I love seeing realistic drama in shows or at least, reactions to things that need to be reacted to. Too many shounen shows have kids dealing with crazy, life altering, world destroying issues and they do not bat an eye. That's so weird. So kudos, KHR and continue being amazing.

(Also, this is my 5927 shout out, I kinda like... well I like a lot of pairings but it's pretty damn obvious that Gokudera cares about Tsuna a lot, whether or not it's love, I don't know but still, it does strike me as an emotion even Gokudera can't place. Mostly one sided though, sorry.)


End file.
